"Be Still"

I was so inspired by someone's blog that I read recently about her new "word" for the new year. She picks a word each year as sort of a theme and tries to live it throughout the year. I know it's a few months past the New year, but I think I sort of already picked my own out and have been thinking a lot about it lately.

Back in December, I was having a really hard time leaving Gabe. It's always been hard for me, but it seemed to be getting extra hard and I was FRUSTRATED all the time. Pastor talked a while back about "letting go" of your kids, giving them over to God and that's what I feel I had to do every day was give Gabe to him...I couldn't be in control so I prayed that I would be able to "Be Still" while I was working and I wrote it on my white board at work to help remind me to do just that. However, how could I "be still" when I was so darn frustrated? Things got so busy, I got so overwhelmed, I got in late, frantic mode, and even if I was reminded to "be still" I was already in the thick of the frustration and it's tough to get rid of it!

I got frustrated that everything in the house seems to be falling apart.

I got frustrated that I was doing other things more then I was able to be with my baby.

I got frustrated that Gabe would act out/bawl/scream/kick/arch his back when I would pick him up after work and I wanted to take him home so that I could be with him before he went to bed.

I got frustrated when I tried to carry too much in from the car and ended up dropping a trail of things along behind me.

I got frustrated when we got home it was already 5 or 6 and I still needed to make dinner, empty the dishwasher from the night before so that I could clean up the dishes that were left in the sink, pick up and put stuff away, pack for the next day, feel guilty for leaving my dog home alone all day...

I got frustrated that laundry never seemed to end.

I got frustrated that I couldn't stretch myself thin enough to cover everything that needed to be done. It just wasn't physically possible. And that frustrates me, because I feel like I should be able to "do it all."

I got frustrated when Bryan left pairs of shoes or dirty socks or clothes or radom papers strewn haphazardly around the house.

I get frustrated when I'm in the middle of trying to feed Gabe I realize he's dumped it over onto the floor and walls and now Calie is struggling to get all of it when she isn't the kind of dog that can have whatever she wants.

I got frustrated that Bryan couldn't read my mind and help me do EVERYTHING without me having to tell him.

The list could go on forever...

SO I think "my word" for 2009 is going to continue to be "Be Still"...well yeah, it's two words, but you get what I mean. And now I want to live it even more fully. I've just always loved those simple, specific words. "Be Still" in my mind is so perfect because when we are "still" we can feel, sense, be things we couldn't if we let the commotion of the world get in the way. And let's face it, we have a lot of commotion going on.

Someone said it helps to imagine yourself as the "eye of the storm"...if you can just be calm while everything is whirling around you you're in good shape. But I wasn't the "eye." I was whirling around like crazy with everything and everyone else. I needed to figure out how to "be still" and know that it's ok. Tomorrow has to be better. And I needed to go look at my famiy while they're sleeping and let their sweet expressions and quiet, gentle breathing (or snoring lol) turn my heart to mush again so I can start all over loving them to pieces in the midst of the storm that's coming tomorrow. Because, despite all the frustration and not having the ability (yet) to completly "be still" amidst the mayhem, there's nowhere I'd rather be than right here. Right now. Storm and all. Because it means I'm a mother. And a wife. And I'm blessed beyond what I ever thought possible.

Since the lay off happened I feel like the storm has calmed down that my frustrations have taken a back seat if you will. I do still get frustrated, yea, but it feels different, I'm different. If I do have to go back to work and the storm gets crazy again I just pray that I can take it day by day and continue to learn to BE STILL.