Hard is good

I have a lot of thoughts and need a place to put them all down.

Lately, I have been having a lot of conversations with Bryan about our kids. About discipline. About our days. About me as their mother.
A few confessions:
I really never thought about how hard the transition from one to two kids was going to be. It's been hard!
I've been angry lately. Little things set me off like dropping my keys as we're trying to leave and I need to lock the door...REALLY?!?!
I've been feeling like a horrible mother. Like maybe I don't deserve to be these precious gifts mother.

I went to Sacred Space back in January. I had had one of those weeks with Gabe and was feeling like I wasn't doing a very good job. I read through John 15 and got to verse 16. The only thing I saw in that verse was "I CHOOSE YOU!"
EXACTLY what I needed at that very moment. Thank you Father!

I have learned a lot about myself these last 6 months. The biggest and most important thing is that being the best at something is never easy. What I mean is becoming an amazing mother is a lot of work for years and years and years... Being a good mom takes A LOT of work. I am not a perfect Mom, but because I try I can be a great Mom .

I continually feel like I'm in one of those dreams where you are trying your darnedest to RUN but you just can't seem to make your legs work.
I have at all times nine loads of laundry to be washed.
My bathroom floor (which is white) has black dog hair on it no matter how many times a day I sweep it.
My house definitely could be cleaner...and I don't mean like things picked up. I am pretty good at not having a lot of clutter. I mean things could be dusted more, wiped down more etc.

All these things bug me and embarrass me and make me feel just horrible sometimes. I read something and I realized that while my days are absolutely exhausting and overwhelming at times, and while I feel like I can't keep up, I can still be an incredible Mom because I keep doing it and I'M the one doing it. My perfection comes in my imperfection. I'm doing EXACTLY what I should be doing. Exactly what the Heavenly Father wants me to be doing. I don't think he cares so much about my embarrassments. So much as if I'm taking care of "his" children.

It's so easy for me to get down on myself. It's easy to slip into feeling frustrated because I feel like I can't quite keep up, especially when I compare myself to others who seem to be able to run circles around me.
BUT, I'm going to keep at it. I'm going to keep being "the mom," through thick and through thin.

Yes, sometimes I make mistakes. I forget things. I agree to add too much to our plates at the expense of our family at times. I make bad decisions. I don't think things through enough sometimes and maybe I don't handle situations in the best way.

But I'm trying to be deliberate about how I mother, and when I get knocked down and frustrated, I'm going to keep getting right back up.

Because you know what that means? I get to be there with my children. The ones who call me "Mommy" and who quickly forgive me my imperfections (which is great, because I have a lot of them).

Yes, I'm the one who gets to be there with them each day. And I love that.

Now the other thing...Money. UGH
I have not been having a good week. We are still SO tight in our finances. In fact we don't really have anything after paying bills and Bryan doesn't get paid till next week. This morning I felt hopeless and SO tired. My faith is weak and I need the Lord's strength to go on.

I get these little devotionals in my email which I don't tend to read everyday, but try. Today's was perfect for how I've been feeling.

"I waited patiently for the Lord; he turned to me and heard my cry" (Psalm 40:1).

1. Wait. The psalmist simply says, "I waited." Waiting is not passive. Waiting is meant to be a time of preparation, a time of rest and healing,

• To wait means to accept the pit. Isaiah 45:3 (NIV) "I will give you hidden treasures of darkness, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name."

Any time "LORD" is capitalized in Scripture, it means "Abba Father." This verse indicates that our Father has gone before us and in every dark moment or painful circumstance has buried a treasure or stored a secret. The only way we can find the treasure or learn the secret is to pass through that darkness. Some things cannot be learned in the light. To wait means to accept the pit, knowing it is for our good.

• To wait means to admit there is a problem. Isaiah 40:29 (NLT) "He gives power to those who are tired and worn out; he offers strength to the weak."

• To wait means to be still. Psalm 40:1 "I waited ..." To wait means to hope in and look for someone or something who will rescue us.

  So much about God can never be known on the run. I was so wrapped up in serving God that I had failed to be wrapped up in Him. During those two years in the pit, I not only gave up every role of leadership, there were many times when I could not even attend church because of panic attacks. God taught me an important truth. He is more concerned with who I am than what I do. No one can take my place in His heart.

2. Be patient. David said, "I waited patiently for the Lord." The word "patiently" means "without tiring and with perseverance." It took me many years to hit rock bottom. It took me two years to climb out of that pit and I am still climbing. Yes, I still battle depression from time to time. Depression keeps me broken and on my face before God - and that is a good thing.

Depression may not be the problem you are facing, but at some point in life, we will all face some kind of pit. It may be a pit that we have dug with our own hands of wrong choices or it could be a pit that has been uniquely designed for us by the enemy. But a pit is a pit - a place of paralyzing fear and numbing doubt that is constantly fed by our human frailty and desperate attempts to escape the darkness.

The good news is that God is drawn to broken people. Psalm 40:1 says "He turned to me." Notice it does not say that David turned to God. Honestly, I doubt David had the strength to turn to God ... so God turned to him. God heard the cry of David and he will hear yours. I don't know if you are in a pit and need help or if someone you love is in that pit and needs your help, but one thing I do know is that the purpose of the pit is to purify and then restore. Right now, surrender the broken pieces of your life to God. He can and will bring you out of the dark.

Father, I am so tired. I can't hear Your voice or sense Your presence in my life. My faith is weak and I need Your strength to go on. Right now, I am laying the broken pieces of my life at Your feet and counting on You to come through for me.

In Jesus' name,

Amen.